There comes a time in your life, when you need to streamline your goals and really focus on what you ultimately want out of life. The time is usually around 3.30 am.
Once, at 3.30am, I decided that the only thing I want out of this wretched existence is 40 Billion Euros. And VENGEANCE!
The next step is to say it out loud. Announce it to the universe. For example, if like me, what you ultimately want out of life is 40 Billion Euros (and VENGEANCE), then you have to find a group of people who are not hard-of-hearing and say to them, “I WANT 40 BILLION EUROS. And when I get my 40 Billion Euros, I will [insert whatever little things you like here]” Now, the first time you say it, it might sound like a joke. That’s because you’re a joke. And it can’t be helped. But make no mistake, this is a very important step. If you don’t do this, everyone from your mother to your manager will tell you that your problem is that you don’t know what you want out of life. No, your problem is sweaty feet. An itchy, sensitive scalp. Side parking. angrybirds. Humanity.
Repeat the aforemetioned step, even as you move on to the next one:
Study your role model. Do some research and if possible, stalk the people who already have what you want. Unfortunately for me, Forbes Magazine says that there is no individual in the world who is worth 40 billion Euros (yet. Soon, I will be). Mexican telecom magnate, Carlos Slim Helu comes close at approx EUR 38 billion. So I started thinking about what I know of telecommunications. Well, recently, someone went through the contents of my bag and stole RM150 (approx EUR 35) from my wallet. The fucker didn’t take my phone. You know why? Because even desperate, lowly, petty thieves already have fancier phones than I do. So what do I know of telecommunications? I know that my phone is worth less than 35 euros.
I then got to thinking that maybe, I wouldn’t actually have to run my own business to make 40 Billion Euros. There is another, more traditional, time-tested way of becoming rich and that is to marry someone who is. Alas, I don’t have serious daddy issues and Carlos Slim Helu, at 70, is too old for my liking. My dad is 62 this year, and I prefer someone younger - like, in their 50s. Which brings me to the 2nd richest guy in the world (again, according to Forbes), William Gates III. Everyone calls him ‘Bill’, probably because he has no problems paying his. He’s worth about 37 billion euros - not bad for some IT tech support guy. How many IT tech support guys do I know? Just the ones at work and they hate me.
The girl who occupies the cubicle next to mine, all she has to do is accidentally press CAPS LOCK and three IT tech support guys instantly show up at her desk, ready to do her bidding. She’s Gen Y and has a background in software programming mind you, so I don’t really think she needs a trio of nerds to hold her hands as she navigates the big scary world of computers. And yet, her IT needs are supported, more than a bra made out of prison fencing wires support your boobs. My former line manager thinks it’s because she’s single, cute and gives away free cookies. Like, real chocolate chip cookies - not internet browsing history capturing-cookies. Me, I have to cry for three days for half an IT tech support guy to show up. I’m single, I’m somewhat cute but I already ate all the cookies. The half an IT tech support guy, he said to me once, “But I heard you were getting married.”
Reports of my desirability have been greatly exaggerated and “WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!!!!!!” I asked. Don’t let the Caps fool you. I asked very politely.
Heh heh, was the Muttley-esque sound that Half-An-IT-Tech-Support-Guy made in response.
“JUST DO YOUR JOB AND FIX MY COMPUTER, NERD!” I said, in a polite tone, as always. “I’M GOING TO GO FOR A SMOKE ,AND IF MY COMPUTER ISN’T FIXED BY THE TIME I FINISH GIVING MYSELF MY MORNING DOSE OF CANCER--” I grabbed the cookie out of his hand and shoved it down my esophagus. “NO COOKIE FOR YOU!!!!”
Come to think of it, I really shouldn’t compare the IT guys at work to Bill Gates.
3 comments:
I THOUGHT YOU STOPPED WRITING! I am glad you are back. Needed your does of witty awesomeness for quite a bit now.
I thought I stopped writing too!
Yes, more! It's hilarious, thank you a lot _()_
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