Box of Boxes Career Guide: Episode 1 - Cubicle Makeover: From Grim to Dream

Considering that we devote a majority of our time to being physically present in our cubicles, my colleagues and I think that it is very important that this place is transformed into something that at least, vaguely resembles our natural habitat; much like the different cages and areas in a zoo. The Lion must have his savannah, just as the Penguin needs his ice. The new guy in my department went home early for lunch one Friday and came back late with a rug - so that his feet will feel the warm, itchiness of sisal instead of the cold concrete floors, while he works. He has already managed to install a kick-ass sound system in his cubicle in his first week at work. Last Friday, I saw another colleague try to pitch up a tent over his cubicle using a large piece of black, velvet cloth that he found in the store room. He figured it would be a good 20 years before he would actually get an office with real walls and a door (I think he’s kidding himself - try never, bro) - in the meantime, a tent is the only way he can give himself some kind of privacy as he watches Maria Ozawa porn films at work. By the way, this guy also  has an aquarium on his desk but all his fish died when he went on leave for a week. Additionally, the guy has an extensive collection of sand from various Malaysian beaches on display - kept in tiny jam jars with neat little labels. We don’t know why he would keep his sand collection at the office but a few of us suspect that great voodoo-hoodoo might be at work here. Apparently, when the boss isn’t looking, he scatters some magic sand in her office which compels her to not yell at him everytime he fucks-up (which just happens to be everyday). And she never does. She yells at the rest of us instead. So you see folks, decorating is not only about form, but function. Jars of sand is not only fabulously boring to look at, it also helps ensure job security!

As for myself and my own cubicle-decorating preferences, I will sometimes arrange the coloured thumb tacks on my cubicle wall to form motivational words and welcoming phrases. Like this:

Yeah, you’ve seen that pic before. Well, for a while, I also started a little mini cactus garden in a corner of my desk. One of the projects I’ve been working on at work is with a tree-hugging NGO and I got like, 5 of those spiky fellas from them. One Friday evening, I threw the contents of my mug over the cactus garden before leaving the office. Because that’s my idea of tending to plants. I thought I had water in my mug. I came back to work on Monday and found my cactus garden destroyed. Ants ate my cacti!!!!!!! It was then that I remembered; my mug was actually filled with sugar water because I had diarrhea that Friday and had been sipping sugar water to stay alive. As Homer Simpson would say, “D’Oh!” 

When it comes to decorating your cubicles, I don’t have any suggestions for good shops where you can source material from. Some folks will suggest IKEA, with its abundance of cute little boxes, folders and other artifacts of Swedish perfection. I say screw that. Corporate offices are filled with accidental thieves and kleptomaniacs-  that’s why you can never find your stapler when you need it. Trust me, you don’t want to be spending much of your own money on sprucing up your cubicle. The best places to source for material are:

i.                    your colleagues’ cubicles. Steal their stress balls. Watch them squeeze their own. 

ii.                   office store room (particularly if you work in the Corporate Comm/ Public Affairs line - your division’s store room will be filled with everything a business doesn’t need).

iii.                 Office stationery supply cabinet (for coloured thumb tacks especially - you need more than the regular amount if you’re going to be spelling all sorts of shit with it)

iv.                Your own home - particularly shit that your spouse doesn’t want around the house anymore. Or your mom. You're not the only shit that your mom doesn't want around the house anymore, you know. She hates that pink recliner your dad bought too. 

v.                  Gifts and bribes from colleagues, bosses, clients and suppliers - they’re usually too worthless to take home, anyway.

This way, you’re also doing your bit for the environment by not throwing out garbage for landfills to deal with and poison your own water supply. My cubicle is also known for housing a replica of the Petronas Twin Towers using empty cans of Coke. It doesn’t actually look like the real thing so let’s not call it a replica, eh? Think of it as an artistic abstract interpretation…..

From my casual observation, I realise that most people just resort to covering their cubicle with keychains from places they’ve never been to. And I say - boooooooooo. So your Boss bought you a keychain of the Eiffel Tower but tell me, why do you need to be constantly reminded that your Boss went on vacation to Paris while you can barely afford the bus fare home, again?

There are really, many other things that one can do to spruce up a space that is no bigger than a coffin. But dead people don’t decorate. You, on the other hand, my precious white collar slave, have the advantage of having a heartbeat by default. The possibilities are endless - but whatever you do, don’t try to start a cubicle-design competition called “The Extraordinaire”, and insist that everyone participate and contribute RM10 each for the prizes. And then send “friendly” e-mail reminders (CC-ed to the Boss) every fucking day about how the deadline is approaching soon and “those people with messy desks (you know who you are) better take note. Besides, messy desks give a bad impression to visitors. Also, don’t forget to all wear blue on prize-giving day.” One of my former colleagues did that. We hated him. By we, I mean myself and probably one other person. 6 other people loved him. But his boss wasn't one of them. Hence, former colleague.

With that, I wish you all the best with transforming your coffin from grim to dream! Stay tuned for the next episode of Box of Boxes Career Guide - maybe we’ll talk about things you can do to ensure that your Fridays in the office, isn’t wasted upon work.

Sehingga kita berjumpa lagi…………. semoga anda sukses selalu!