Complaint Box: Asia Travel Guide for Pop Stars

Asia is a continent rich in culture, history, natural wonders, shopping malls and bad drivers.  You can spend your entire lifetime here and not run out of things to do – sleep, eat, breathe, mostly. Maybe procreate if you’re lucky.  The casual visitor may also participate in sleeping, eating and breathing in Asia. Some of them even procreate while they’re here – intentionally, accidentally but probably not immaculately even if many visitors have described their time in Asia as a “spiritual experience” Their offspring may even grow up to become minor Asian celebrities – MTV Asia hosts, pop stars, actors, “models”.  Of course, out of the many interesting things a visitor can do in Asia, the one that tops our list is this: Cancel a Concert. Now, not every visitor has the privilege to engage in this activity - Cancelling a Concert is strictly for American/ British/Australian Pop Stars or rock Bands. Furthermore, you must have had at least one platinum record in the last 10 years or at least, had your songs regularly included on snooty “Hipster”  playlists in the last 7 years (right before you sold out and allowed it to be used on some fecking Teen drama TV series). Additionally, you cannot belong in the same category as Cliff Richards or Uriah Heep or trying to stage a sad comeback, after snorting your career up your nose and spending the last decade married to Bobbi Brown.

 If you meet all of the above requirements, then no doubt, the most fun thing you can do in Asia is to say you’ll be here and then to not be here at all. Perhaps, there’s nothing as interesting as hearing, from a distance, the sound of thousands of little Asian music fans being let down by YOU. Very spiritual. Of course, your very distant ancestors, way back in history when Britain was Great, would’ve sailed for months and fired cannonballs to set foot on Asian soil. But alas, times are different now.  You think you’re probably not going to make much money out of our little Asian currencies and heck, it’s not like we ever buy the original copy of anything since music/movie piracy makes up like, 50% of the economy.

It’s okay, we won’t hate you.  We’ll get a refund for the concert ticket, right? Yeah, guess, that makes it all okay then. Even if say, some of us Malaysians took RM 200 out of our meagre salary to pay for a plane ticket so we could make it for your concert in Singapore. And the money was all burnt when you cancelled at the last minute. Even if we took annual leave to travel down to Singapore, and was already halfway through the journey when news of cancellation reached our ears. No problem.

Really, it’s okay, you’re only human. Maybe, two weeks before your scheduled concert, your douche of a boyfriend beat your face to a pulp. Or maybe, the local authorities here made so much fuss about your sparkly bodysuits “corrupting our youth”, that you decided you were going to help preserve our modest ways by staying at home. Or maybe, you or a loved one back in the US of A has a serious illness that will only allow you to play your Australian tour dates. Or maybe, you do it just because it’s fun – the best thing you can do in Asia without being here.  Whatever it is, you don’t even have to explain the reasons behind your cancellation to us. I’m sure you find that Asians, due to years of living under Feudalism, Communism and comedic, satirical versions of democracy, don’t tend to question things. If Chairman Mao says so, then it must be. If the Sultan says “kill your best friend, then so it is done”. Yes, we’re sure you can just say you cancelled your concert due to:

“unforeseen circumstances”

·         “exhaustion”

·         “a hiatus”. Because all of a sudden, you know, you would rather take a hiatus than play in Asia.

Don’t worry about it. When you’re as old as Cliff Richards, you can come back here for real and perform in the Genting Arena of Stars. Because that’s another fun thing you can do in Asia: pretend like you still have some semblance of a music career.  Soon.....I’m going to see the love look in her eyes, I’m a hoot and holler away from paradise.....travellin’ light...hmmm...well I just can’t wait to be with my baby tonight....hmmmm....(fade out)