#7 The Princess.
No, you don’t have an ear infection. You’re just in the presence of a Princess. A very unhappy one. You see, when The Princess’ many demands and unrealistic expectations are not met, The Princess produces a sound as beautiful and harmonious as a dental drill - IN YOUR EAR! There are several ways to deal with a Princess: you can amuse yourself by putting a pea beneath her mattress and watch her flip-out like a frog in hot water, you can enjoy the novelty of having venom spat in your face or even better, you can just send her to the guillotine and declare your dorm a republic. Yes, let’s see how well you eat cake without your head, Marie!
Unlike the North Face-jacket-donning backpacking masses, the Princess’ clothes are always chic, pretty and death trap-like. These include too-long maxi dresses for getting caught on scooter wheels and tripping on during boat transfers, flimsy sandals, high heels – all packed into a too-large TROLLEY BAG that is as convenient to rollerblading up the Eiffel Tower. The Princess is never found backpacking (or in her case, “trolleybagging”) alone, as who would carry her around on her ornate dais as she floats past the dirty plebeians? No, she will always be seen with either a group of seven dwarves or friend-servants made out of any one of the other types listed here. The question is, how did she get into this predicament in the first place, of having to slum it in a USD$2 per night hostel with scratchy sheets and suspicious stains? Well, how did the Princess in The Princess & The Pea end up in a place where she had to sleep, on like 1000 mattress and a pea? I’m not sure – it has been a long time since I read the story. But in any case, if Princesses always managed to remain in their plush castles – Snow White, Princess & The Pea, Little Mermaid etc.. – the world would be devoid of fairy tales to tell, valiant princes would suffer a sense of worthlessness from having no one to rescue, there would be no happy endings; who would want to live in such a world? Therefore, we must thank the Princess for gracing our travels with her esteemed presence – like Disney; she’s only adding a little wonder, magic & excitement into our lives. Bow, subjects, bow!
**Yes, The picture above I stole from photographer Dina Goldstein. Sorry Ms. Goldstein. To view her modern interpretation of classic fairy tales, click here
While the Anal-yst might be as much as a whiner and complainer as the Princess, there is one striking difference between the two: the Princess makes no secret that she is only speaking out for her own comfort and well-being, while the Anal-yst does it all in the name of “courtesy”. It’s only common courtesy to wipe the sink dry after use, buhblablabla. Who touched my things? Don’t touch my things; it’s basic courtesy not to touch people’s things! (But nobody touched your things!) The Anal-yst is under the impression that everytime he/she reprimands, bitch-stares and sshhhushes his/her dorm-mates for the slightest crinkling of a plastic bag in the wee hours of morn’, he/she is performing some great service to Mankind as a whole. When an Anal-yst is pushed to the brink, the Anal-yst will leave the room in a huff. The Anal-yst intends for you to feel his/her absence in the very core of your soul. But you don’t.
While the Anal-yst is as much fun as a deflated balloon, he or she might come in handy when you need a first-aid kit, a map or for someone else to tell the party people to shut the fuck up so that you won’t tarnish your easy-going reputation. (but make sure that you return the map to the Anal-yst in perfect condition as it’s only common courtesy to do so).
The Anal-yst is also a sucker for political correctness and any joke you make will be viewed as either racist or plain ignorant. He or she will often be disproportionately offended on behalf of non-white people around the world. Secretly however, the Anal-yst feels that every other country’s hygiene standards are inferior to his or her own nation, classifies Singapore as “third world” and thus, carries a large amount of water-purifying chlorine tablets and hand gel sanitizer in his or her well-secured backpack. This feeling of superiority may also extend to a country’s democratic practices and human rights record. The Anal-yst will no doubt return home to write an academic thesis on the matter, feeling more superior than ever for having experienced these problems first-hand (during a 50 min stop-over in Changi Airport, that is).
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